I fall before you now and confess my sins to you. I feel like I have committed the worst sin and that is actually saying No to you when you have called me to this place. But, I don’t need the belly of a whale to come to my senses. I immediately feel your peace and your forgiveness wash over me. I don’t know why I would ever say No to you because I know that you always know what is best for me, my Lord, my Friend, my Father. And yet for so long I have let this fear rule my heart. And what is this fear? Why, only the fear of failure, the fear of seeing my flaws, the fear of not being good enough. Isn’t that the fear that drives us all? And yet, you have promised to give us your Power and your Strength, your wisdom, your mind, and your Spirit. We have your Spirit. I have YOUR SPIRIT.
And yet, I run.
I run away thinking that maybe, just maybe, I can out run my insecurities. That I can find a place to hide where they won’t find me and I can live in peace without them. Yet, I know the only place I can live without insecurity is not alone in a hiding place, but with you, in the comfort of your unconditionally loving arms. Only there can I ever truly know who I am. And isn’t that what I want, what I have always wanted- to know and be known?
So, why do I run?
Why do I run from the one person, the one place that can truly show me who I am, who I am meant to be?
It’s simple, really.
Because the person you are going to show me is not the person I am now. Yes, it may be my true self, but I am not her yet. I have a long way to go and a lot of work, discipline, and growing pains in order to get there.
And, I am stricken with fear.
Who am I that I think I can be this beautiful, strong, self-assured, holy woman that you are showing me, who is the woman you have planned for me to be?
And so I doubt. And then, I run.
But let’s be honest. My running legs are out of practice and I don’t get very far. Or maybe I see that whale and well, you’ve taught me well. I don’t care to sit in the belly of a whale to reconnect with you. So, instead, I take a train through the German countryside and listen to music that reminds me how to feel. And I let myself. Feel.
And what I feel is your gentle hand reminding me that you are watching over me and its time for me to stop running and take up my place again in your arms. Because your plan for me in greater than the sum of all my fears and insecurities. And even bigger is that your plan for Germany is bigger than my selfishness and that my insufficiencies don’t matter anymore.
They aren’t part of the plan. And will be promptly discarded, as long as I stop holding on to them. And so I do. I let go. Not willingly. Almost begrudgingly. Because I am comfortable to live in my insufficiencies, to dwell in insecurity. But I look on you, my Maker, and know, if I will just let go, there is truly something better. So I do. In this moment. I am sure, at some point, I will try and grab hold again, but for now I release and grab hold of your hand.
I am not good enough. I am not good. I am not enough. But you are.
And I know you will show me the way. And I trust. My heart is fully yours. I recommit to you and know this may not be the last time, although I wish it were. And I am ready for whatever call you have for me. I lay facedown before your throne. So unworthy, but oh, so ready.